Teens are in the midst of a mental health crisis – but there’s things parents can do support their children.
During an interview with CBS News’ Norah O’Donnell, clinical psychologist and author of “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers,” Lisa Damour shared two things all children need for healthy development: warmth and structure.
“If you took all the science we’ve done over the decades in psychology for what parents can provide in the home that’s most youth-friendly – not just loving our children, but making them feel like we’d like ‘they do is the heat,’ Damour shared. “And the structure is that there are roles and predictability in family life. That has really proven time and time again to be the magic combination.”
Damour admits it can sometimes be more difficult with teenagers, as “they’re not always so receptive to our warmth.”
“They may feel like they’re pushing us away, but I think the key with teenagers is to remember that it’s their job and not take it personally.”
Another aspect that’s unique to teens, she explains, is that they’ll sometimes have an upsetting feeling that they want to share — and nothing more.
“They’ll get a bad grade in school, and they’ll carry it around and they’ll want to get rid of it. And so they sometimes contact their parents by text or phone or in person. And they’ll tell them something terrible like “Oh, I had this terrible test. I will fail. I’ll never be able to function in the outside world.” And the parent will try to help…and the teen will cut them off or not respond to their texts or just walk away.”
Usually the result is that the teenager feels better, even if the parent feels that he has not been helpful. This is because expressing a feeling helps reduce distress.
“They’ve dropped the discomfort onto the parent, and the parent feels a little worse than before, and what we have to understand is that that’s often what keeps teenagers going with their day,” she explains. “Just to take it out.”
When children share their discomfort, a parent’s first reaction is often to offer advice, make suggestions or ask questions.
But instead, Demour advises remembering that teenagers are simply looking for empathy.
“I would say my number one phrase as a parent, when my own daughters talk about their distress, I say, ‘Oh man, that stinks. And such a large percentage of the time, that’s all they’re looking for,” she says.